Mom for President

On Election Day, I will step into a 12‘X4’ booth, draw a worn curtain and confidently have my say on who should shape our country’s future. I’ll vote as an independent.

Gary Johnson? No way. McKeon. Roseanna McKeon.

I want my 83-year-old mother to serve as the 45th president of the United States. She’ll get my vote – it will probably stand as her only one – but millions of moms, by right, should also receive votes.

Can’t stand (or trust) Hillary Clinton? Can’t trust (or stand) Donald Trump? Want to exercise your franchise but don’t know where to turn? Consider your mom. She’s honest, brimming with integrity and will see to it that you get a cushy cabinet post.

This is not wishful thinking. Presidential politics have come a long way since 1984, when Geraldine Ferraro drew scrutiny as the first female to run as a vice president on a major party ticket. In 2016, it’s not far-fetched to have a mom as president. As First Lady, Clinton raised her daughter, Chelsea, under the bright spotlight that looks for cracks in official White House family portraits. This election’s Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein has two sons who presumably don’t use pesticides on their lawns.

And if neither Clinton nor Stein rouse the electorate with their resumes as moms, there’s always comedic inspiration to be found in Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Selina Meyer, the hapless divorced mother turned vice president, turned president, turned losing reelection candidate on HBO’s Veep.

We’ve never had a presidential election like this one, with both the Democratic and Republican nominees inspiring as much confidence as a Samsung salesperson hawking a combustible Galaxy Note 7. We need a calming, motherly influence to solve the issues that continue to divide the country.

Sure, Clinton might win because of her political experience, but if I’m going to support a mother whose voice I’ve been hearing for a really long time, I’d rather it be the woman who raised me. I’m confident my mom could lead this country more capably than any lifetime politician or celebrity businessman can. Unlike Clinton and Trump, my mom is free of personal or family controversy, once you look beyond the time my little sister stole a Yogi Bear pencil from a convenience store.

I know my mom’s platform inside and out:

  •   Crime: Commit a non-violent offense? Expect a stern lecture and no Netflix for a week. The death penalty is off the table.
  •   Commerce: My mom will shop only at sensible stores. She looks for bargains but is a stickler for quality.
  •   Education: She’ll tolerate C letter grades in weak areas but an honest effort is expected. She’ll also drive you to school on rainy mornings.
  •   Foreign policy: Thanks to her diplomacy, our family has had good relations with all of our neighbors, even the grumpy guy who works third shift at the Bud plant.
  •   Health care: When you’re sick, expect the usual soups, generous helpings of tea and a treat (usually her homemade Swedish apple pie).
  •   Immigration: She’ll let the neighborhood kids play in the backyard. No fence could be too short.
  •   Social issues: Even though she’s 83, she won’t ask you to turn down the volume on the new Bon Iver album. Would Nancy Pelosi or even Paul Ryan do that?
  •   Welfare reform: Depend on my mom to slip ten dollars into your pocket, or give you a new shirt when it’s not your birthday.

If you’re undecided on Nov. 8, look beyond attack ads, MSNBC and Fox News. Don’t hold your nose with a “better of two evils” vote. Go with your gut, your heart.

No matter what happens on Election Day, I’ve already told my mom she deserves to be the next leader of the free world. In my mind, she already is.